Im just amber.

2010-02-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

Mar Bear- i remember when we started calling you that, and you'd call me Ambi Bambi. I miss you. Words can not express the grief i am feeling. I don't understand. I have dealth with death before, but suicide...how am i supposed to do this!?

Mary Sue Faust

2010-02-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

Mary was my first friend when we moved in 5th grade. We would go to recess everyday together. After that we became inseparable. I don't think i could have made it through my move or junior high without her. We spent almost every day together. She saw me through my darkest times. She always tried to convince my parents to get me a puppy, and a cell phone. It never worked! Each summer we would go up to her cottage every weekend. We would lay out on the roof, go tubing on the lake with her neighbor, go jet skiing, take a ride around the lake on the pontoon, and go canoeing all the time. We would canoe across the lake to get Dairy Queen. The memories go on and on! She became apart of my family and i of hers. When we got to high school though things started to change. We grew up, and we grew apart. Freshman year was okay but as the years went on it was harder and harder. Mary wanted to graduate a whole year early so she got so busy we just didn't have time anymore.
I know wish I had made time. My serior year we reconnected. She wanted to go to prom with all of her friends so her boyfriend was my date and mary was our friend, Kayla's, date. One night she came over to give me the money. I was so nervous to see her, we hadn't talked at all in a year. She walked in and spilled everything to me. She told me how her parents had split up and her dad had gone crazy, how she had been diagnosed with bi-polar are a suicide attempt, she had started to drink, smoke, and use sex to cover all the pain. March of 2009 she attempted suicide again. I could not believe what my ears were telling me. This was not the friend i had once known. God laid her in my heart in such a heavy way. I knew He had brought her back to me for a reason. I started to pray and asked others around me to pray and to keep me accountable for checking up on her. She started to open up to me about everything.

Saturday, February 13, 2010 is a day i will never forget. It is the day i got the phone call informing me that my best friend, Mary, had killed herself the night before. I had just had the day of a lifetime and on the way home from Branson, in a car filled with my girls, i broke.
Since that night I do not know how to feel or what to do. I am completely numb. I'm mad at God, but i'm not. I'm mad at Mary but i can't be. What am i supposed to do...

R.I.P. 02/12/10♥

2010-02-13T22:58:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that one of my best friends, Mary Sue Faust, died last night. Not only did she die, she committed suicide. This 18 year old girl jumped in front of a semi on i80. I don't know how to react to this...I am living right now in a haze. Not knowing what i am doing or feeling. I have honestly never cried so hard in my life. I have never felt so numb. How are you supposed to deal with a friend taking her own life.
God...i do NOT understand...at all!!!!!

R.i.P. Mary Sue 02/12/10
Always and Forever♥

"If you're a Christian, would you please notify your face?"

2010-02-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

As i was spending time with Jesus tonight, I cam across this quote in my book i was reading. I didn't read very far past it because it so strongly jumped out at me. "If you're a Christian, would you please notify your face?" How true is this? We who claim to live a life for God are often the one's who are complaining and making a bigger deal out of the small stuff then those of the world can at times. I know i am guilty of this, many many times!! But as i step back to think about this statement, how sad is that! I live my life for God and yet the simple look on my face does not show that. God is walking beside me daily. God's love is always present in my life. My worst day should still be filled with joy because the God of the universe loves ME!
There is a verse that i want to use here, but i can not think of it for the LIFE of me!!

God pursues us, loves us, he sent his son to on a cross for us and if that alone isn't cause enough to put a smile on my face daily and live in the joy and hope that God gives, i do not know what reason a person will need. Though trails and temptations will come I am living for a God "who will never leave me nor forsake me".
How am i ever going to show God's love to the world, if i can't go into the world and show them that love, peace, joy, and hope?!

This is the challenge to myself; Smile, all the time! Whether it's the "worst" day of my life or not. God has given me life in that day, and a chance to reach the world. maybe all i can do that day is smile, but at least it's something.

2010-02-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with ALL your heart."

this is the verse i am living for right now!

Where are you God?

2010-01-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

It seems like whenever I make a decision to grow in my relationship with God the exact opposite happens. Why is this? I do not understand. A week ago all i wanted was to grow closer to God and deepen my relationship with Him. and now, to be completely honest and transparent(is that the right word), this is the exact thing i am not doing, and at the moment have no desire to do.
I know He has not left me, i know if i were to reach out He would be, is, right there. And if i know this why am i not doing so? I have been reading my bible, and spending serious time with God but....nothing not anymore..."If you seek Me, you will find Me" well how come whenever i seek You, i never seem to find you.

Also, my mother talked to a doctor this week, explained different issues and symptoms i have been having (for the past year and a half) and he thinks my ovaries are shutting down, along with some other stuff. That is exactly what an 18 year old girl wants to hear. I am flying home the third weekend in Feb. to go see him. Please keep that in prayer.

Back on campus.

2010-01-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

That's right i'm back at Evangel. It's so weird being back here. I don't know how i feel about this yet...i love the friend's i have made here and would not exchange them for the world, but this isn't home....not anymore. I applied to Olivet a couple of days ago and i plan on applying to a couple more colleges around home in this next month.

On Sunday Stone had a guest speaker, Robert Madu- I think that's his name, and he was great!! I've heard him speak at Convention before. He was GREAT then and he was GREAT Sunday! His message really went along with my goals for the new year!

For this upcoming semester i have bought three major books i want to read through and other smaller books. I have totally blanked on the titles but i will be sure to blog about them at some point! I am still waiting for them to arrive here on campus.

For the first time in my life I want to be dedicated and stick to all my plans/goals. In other areas of my life i can find dedication but when it comes to my own personal goals i can never find that dedication/ strength to keep going day after day. It is time to change and start a new chapter in my life.

o i thought of a third goal.

goal #3: attain to get straights a's. If i strive to get straight and don't reach that goal i should still land pretty close and be very proud of myself.

As a side note i wanted to let everyone know that Reichert is going to be my made of honor when i get married!! :)

2010

2010-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a year to beat all years! I was beyond ready for 2009 to be over! It had not been an easy year at all. Some good did come of it but i am ready for a fresh start. I want to start writing again, but i want to have some sort of purpose behind my writing. I still have to figure that part out!

This next year i am fully dedicating my life to God, to become the best person i can. I want to have two or three main goals for this next year.

Goal One: Reach a deeper level with God.
This year i would like to read the bible through. (is that right? i don't think so) I would like to read the whole bible. I am not satisfied where I am with God right now so i am going to take my relationship with God in my own hands and draw closer. With this i am going to cut out distractions, especially my biggest distraction...guys! For the next 9 months or so i will not date, pursue, or allow any guy to pursue me. Guys have been a huge distraction my whole life so its about time they are put aside so that God can become my true number one. and on top of that when this dating hiatus is over before i get involved with any guy i will bring it to God. I will not date just anyone, i have to get the go ahead from God first. It's about time i listen to Proverbs 4:23, i am sick of getting my heart broken.

Goal Two: Get into shape.
It isn't that hard, i just need to get out of bed every once in a while. Evangel has a FREE workout place plus i want to get a workout DVD and a mat for my room before i go back. How am i supposed to serve God my best if i possibly can not do everything possible.

I might add another goal later, but i don't know right now. i'm too tired!

2009-07-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

The tears haven't come yet, but i know they will. I think i'm still numb. Still in shock. It's only been two weeks since you took it from me, something i wanted to keep until the time was right. You took advantage of a situation. and now i haven't even heard from you. That's okay though. It just shows what kind of person you are. I'm better off without you. They've been telling me that for months, but i guess i had to learn the hard way. I wish i had listened to the various people's advise but i didn't. Now all i can do is turn to God and He will heal and put back together what you broke. I'm not going to hate you, that isn't right even though that is probablly what you deserve. I'm going to forgive you, and move on with my life. i wont get over this for a long time, but God is my stregnth and He will carry me through this. I hope to never see you again, i don't want to see your face ever again. i don't want to hear your voice ever again. I pray to God that the memory will leave soon. You did it, you broke me. But i wont be broken for long. God will heal me and send more people into my life to help pick up the pieces.

2009-07-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

This past week has been very long. I made a choice that i can't take back, and it will forever shape who i am becoming. Part of me wishes i could take it back, but i know i can't so i just have to keep moving forward. Right now is when i need God's grace, mercy and love the most.

2009-06-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

I am going to start trying to post daily. This probably wont happen but hey a girl can try right?! :)

I have graduated high school. This is something I have been looking forward to since day one of freshman year. Now that its here, I don't want to run back to the security of the hallways of Victor J Andrew, and i do not want to run forward into the unknown abyss of Evangel either, I just want to stay here forever; not a high school student, but not an adult yet either. Still at home with everyone I care about. Over the past four years I have had the honor to meet some pretty incredible people and have some of the best leaders and pastors any girl could ask for. Honestly I do not want to leave them. Friends have become family, and my leaders are people that have modeled lives that have molded who i have become, and who i am becoming. I have been surrounded by love, friendship, understanding, and security. I mean come on, what girl would want to leave that. I have been beyond fortunate.

2009-03-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Haven't been on this thing in a while.....

These past few weeks have been a rollercoaster.
After Winter Retreat i realized that my relationship with God had been put on the back burner in my life. I was so busy with everything/everyone else in my life that i didn't put any time into my relationship with God. At retreat God opened my eyes to alot of different issues going on in my life. One was that my adoption isn't who i am. I am a child of God. I am HIS daughter, and that is all that matters. another was i put to much into my relationship with Ethan. i made him my WORLD. i would go to Ethan instead of relying on God. and that is really where i tripped up these past few months. I LOVE God, with everything in me, but i didn't trust Him. Part of it was any time i really loved or cared about someone they left, and how would i know God wouldn't leave. I mean i know He never would, but that's not how my mind and heart saw it. I have felt abandoned by so many people, i couldn't take it if i felt abounded by God. Bethany told me at this anaolgy at Retreat.
When you cut your finger they say you aren't supposed to put a band-aid on it right away so it can start healing, and my heart is the same way, expect i would just always put the band-aid on right away. not giving it time to heal. so that it didn't hurt anymore. It's time to take that band-aid off and to let God heal my heart. To make me complete in Him.
I always thought i needed it have it all together and i realize i don't. I just have to keep going to God through all of this. and ask for prayer.
During levio devina at Retreat we read Romans 12:1-8 but verse 2 is what stuck out to me
"but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
I need to be transformed through God.
For once in my life i'm not going to fall apart, i'm going to fall together.

Help!

2009-01-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

It is finally official i am sick! I have a fever. I can not eat anything!
It makes me feel even worse. I am light headed, and weak. Sleeping
constantly. and just plain feel like death! I took today off, and hopefully
will convince my mother to let me stay home tomorrow, i really feel
that awful! so much for Open Gym on Friday, or maybe even Youth on
Wednesday! I hate being sick. I try to put it off for as long as possible.

Okay now that i am done complaining about being sick. haha

As most people know I have been dating this guy, Ethan. I have known him for...i don't even know how long, he has always just been there. Well over summer things got really weird between us and once school started it didn't get any better. One thing, he NEVER came to visit me!! I get that i could have gone to him, but its his job to do it first! that is just one of many things that had bothered me. After taking many breaks, finally in October i ended things, permanently. After that we didn't talk until December. and when we were talking it was just talking, not o i want to get back together talk, because i so did not, even though Ethan made it pretty obvious that was what was on his mind.
I do not know what happened but honestly i woke up one day, and just stopped caring about him. Well i still care about him as a person, but nothing more then that. I do not see any future with us, and i don't want to. I haven't been able to tell him this because of how he has been acting. He tells me i am the only person he lets in, or I'm the only one he talks to. He couldn't make it without me. and that makes me REALLY uncomfortable! i don't want to be really anything to him, other then that crazy girl from IL. I told him that he can not come down and visit me now, that he missed his chance, and he got angry at me. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but i can't keep going on like this. I have moved on, quit literally. I just do not know how to explain all of this to him, and not hurt his feelings.

Tiredness/Feed my Starving Children

2009-01-22T17:44:00.000-08:00

I can not even explain to you the amount of exhaustion i have been
experiencing recently. and i could not even explain to you why.
i am sleeping, A LOT! but i always still seem to be tired.
My dad make fun of me for it all the time. "when i was a teenager
i never needed sleep."
My headaches are back and so is my back pain. I'm not angry
at God, but I thought it was all gone! I had a good period of
time there where my back did not hurt. I could live a "normal"
life of not having my back hurt to the extent of not even being
able to find one position, sitting or laying, that did not hurt.
We went to Feed My Starving Children on Monday and I was
seemingly okay that whole time we were there, and even at the
mall my back did not hurt, but when we were on the way home,
on the bus, o my goodness!! I could not sit down, or stand up,
or do anything that would make the pain stop! It was horrible!

but Feed My Starving Children was amazing! We went of Monday,
our day off, and we served people. It was so rewarding. Being able
to make a difference in a family, or child's life is so wonderful to me!
It was so amazing to me that so many young people came out! We even
had to turn some of the youth away because we could only take so
many people. That fact alone shows that this generation has so much
potential!
We got there ten minutes early, and had to sign in, where they proceeded to
give us all hair nets. I was very impressed, we only had mild complaining from
the girls on that one. On the way in the joke was that i was only there for the guys.
Well, when we were all sitting down a group of guys walked in and everyone was like
"Amber, there are your guys" and OF COURSE they heard it...can i say embarrassing!!??
We sat through a presentation on what we were doing, and the cause behind it.
We were then off to the work room. They gave us a demonstration, and during it Lonna
got my attention and said i should be standing on the other side, i didn't get it, and then she
pointed out that that was were the guys were!! So me, being well me went over there just for the kicks. Reichert and i started off with putting stickers on bags, while the rest of the group bagged food. They had to make up cheers to get refills or bags, or boxes and any time it was Stone Church
people Reichert and i would look at each other and just laugh. They were the loudest
group in there! SHOCKING i know! lol Finally Reichert and i made our way into the food area!
It was fun there! Especially since there were more people! But Lonna allowed me to seal the bags, after the food was put in them. All you have to do is place the bag on this machine and press down,
not that hard right? Well i didn't think so either, so i was going at it, doing a good job. I would
seal the bag and then throw it onto the table to be boxed. I was going about that when all
of a sudden i see the contents of a bag all over the table...GREAT i screwed one up.
it was bad, we just cleared it off and refilled it a little. Well i did this another 2 times.
man did i feel stupid!! lol
But we were finally done and it was time to pray over the food then go back for a final good-bye meeting. Where basically they ask for money. Well when everyone was still coming in to the good-bye meeting, someone was talking to those "guy's" pastor, well we found out that they are from Minnesota! Are you serious?!?! that is so unfair!! becuase one of those guys was pretty cute, if
i do say so myself!! Lol
We were done and walking back to the bus and i commented on how cute that guy was, but it was a bummer that he lived in Minnesota, and P.erik in all of his niceness said back "well the long distance thing is YOUR thing!" haha funny P. Erik.
Then we went to the mall. and that brings us full circle to the ride home where my back hurt!

wow this one was long!! Sorry!

2009-01-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

So i am in Colleg Prep writting class right now, and apparently i can get onto blogger.
i tried to get onto Twitter, but it took forever to load, so i quit! lol
i guess i should update this thing a little more about what's going on.

In CPW (college prep writting) we are writting a narative about our lives.
One life changing event. and although i wanted to write about all these different things,
the only thing i found myself writting about was Cassie's death.
I don't want to dwell on that though. it is in God's hands and I can't
really change anything, so....

I started off the year of 2009 with a week of prayer and fasting.
and although it was hard, well the fasting part. it was rewarding.
I could feel God on a daily basis, and felt that changes He is making.
I ended my week of fasting by going to Giordano's pizza! thank you lonna!
This year i am making it appoint to get closer to God. I am not going to sit
and wait for God, and not do anything i am going to get off my butt and chase
after Him like i have never chased after anything in my life.

This next year is going to be very interesting. A chapter of my life is going
to be closing, but a whole new one is going to be opened up to me.
Gradauting from high school is the one that i have been talking
about since my first day freshman year, and now it is right around
the corner. Although i can not wait to leave i am scared. High school
is sceure. and now i am jumping out into a whole world of unsecure things.

This year i hope to:

read the whole bible through.
fix the relationship with my mother
go to a deeper place with God
move on from past relationships
write a letter to everyone who has made a difference in my life
come to better terms with being adopted (i have come a long way, but that journey is still not over)

yeah i think that is it.

snowed in

2008-12-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my first day of finals. yippee!! haha and after that i had made plans to go to a family from the churches house she the mom could dye my hair!! i was so excited! so i get there and we are just talking and the mom is dyeing my hair, and then it starts to snow. No big deal I think. then i realize that it is coming down really hard and fast!! Her sister comes over to drop off some food and tells me that the roads are horrible. GREAT!! i call my dad to see what he wants me to do. It was 4:00 p.m. by then, i got there at 1:00 p.m. He tells me to come home, i thought he was crazy but was not about to fight with him. I tell the family that if i die i am coming back!! I get not even 5 blocks from their house and i have fish tailed like 3 times, ending up in the other lane of traffic, i call my mommy tell her i'm scared to drive home and she tells me to go back and they will pick me up later. I ended up staying at this house from 1:00p.m. until 8:00 p.m. it was ridiculous! but i had so much fun! my dad finally comes, he brings my mom's car that drives better in snow. It took us an hour to get home. They live at 74 we live at 179. it usually takes me
like 30 min. i don't think i went over 25 the whole time! I was relieved to finally get home, when my mom sends me back out to get a gift for her secret Santa thing at work today. I didn't think it would be a problem since i just drove past there and the roads where fine. I get to walgreens all fine, get what i needed and started to head home. I had to cross over traffic to get to the lane i needed, thank god no one was on the road at the time because i ended up doing a 360, plus add 180 to that...so that end up to 540 degree turn really fast! i was scared!! but i had to straighten out again, so as i was trying to get in the right direction i ended up hitting black ice and flew to the right, my car stopped inches from the bar thing that keeps you from falling into a ditch. Mind you i was BARELY going 15 miles per hour the whole time. After almost hitting the bar rail, i fish tail again, and hit the curb.
i finally get straighten out and go home. going like 10 mph the rest of the way.
it was the scariest thing EVER!!
God truly protected me last night!!

Finals

2008-12-14T12:51:00.001-08:00

This next week will be my last winter finals!! Thank GOD!!
Finals are always sooo stressful and this year didn't break the tradition.
In most of my classes i get to do projects for my finals which at first i was THRILLED
about, but then came to realize that i have had to spend the past week working on
these projects and have been up until midnight or later every night!
Today i have to finish up my last final project.
which should be easy, but it really easy.
This project has 12 different things to do and 9 out of the 12 things is
writing a one page or more essay.
and i have to say i have barely even started.
Today should be fun!

College here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-04T14:18:00.001-08:00

On December 4, 2008, my life has forever changed, once again. I was accepted into Evangel University!! I got a box in the mail, and i freaked out! i ripped it open, i was scared out of my mind. I thought i still had more then a week to find out. Inside there was a shirt, and a DVD. I threw in the DVD. I was waiting, the logo came on EVANGEL UNIVERSITY...blah blah blah whatever!! and then the words that i have been waiting for since i applied came across the screen

YES! You're accepted!

I'm going to college!! I'm going to college!! I'm going to college!!

One Year. eight monts. seven days.

2008-11-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

Today at church the youth choir sang Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day. It is an amazing song, but to sing it is so hard. The beginning line is "To everyone who's lost someone they love Long before it was their time You feel like the days you had were not enough when you said goodbye" And just reading those words brings tears to my eyes. Losing Cassie has forever impacted my life....It has been one year, eight months, and seven days since we lost Cassie, but it still feels like yesterday. I still miss you. I still cry. I still can't sing or hear a song without thinking about you. I still have your picture in my purse. It is still so unreal to me that you are gone. I still look for you at church. Still expecting to see your beautiful face walk in through the doors. Still expecting to hear your voice next to mine as we sing. I still don't understand. It still hurts, everyday...I haven't gone a day and not thought of you. I try to be strong, but some days its just too hard to be.
Does it ever get easier? Isn't the pain supposed to go away?

Why do i still miss you??

2008-11-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

I hate that I am crying over you.
I wish you could be here now.
I wanted things to work.
We had waited so long,
But maybe not long enough.
I hate that I sit at my computer
And wait for your name to pop
Up and say you're on.
I hate that I just watch your
Name...wanting to say something
Waiting for you to say something.
I hate that I can't let go of you.
Part of me doesn't want to.
Most of me knows I have to or I
Will go CRAZY! You're still on my
Mind, always. You still and always
Will have a place in my heart. But
You chose to not make that place
Permanent. I needed more then
A voice. I needed a hand to hold.
I needed someone who would
Back of their words with action.
But in all reality, i just needed you.
You here, by my side. Not all the
time, but once in a while would have
Been nice. Some nights i look at my phone,
Wanting to call. Wanting to feel
That safety that always came.
Needing it almost. But now I'm all
Alone. My nights are dark and lonely.
Missing what they once had. It is
Just me and my own thoughts.
My thoughts that always lead back to
You...and only you....

Moving On

2008-10-14T17:50:00.001-07:00

Last Wednesday Pastor Erik after he spoke let the mic open for the youth to "confess" or tell the youth something about us that we need to get out on the open, most of us went up there to ask the youth to prayer for something specific in our lives, and i guess to confess something we are dealing with.
I had kept putting off going up there, it wasn't mandatory but i felt the Holy Spirit keeping pushing me to go up there. At one point i stood up and pastor Erik saw me but then i just sat on the bench near me. Finally, i got the nerves to go up there. My heart was beating out of my chest and my hands were shaking. I picked up the mic and just started talking. i hadn't prepared anything, all i knew was i had to walk up there and start talking.
the words started coming, i was talking about my past. how i've been hurt by people alot in my life. and although i have said i have gotten over it i really haven't and it has servilely kept me from getting closer to God. And how i am going off to college next year and i can't live my life with all of my past hurts. and asked them to pray for me!

I had two of my amazing leaders, Bethany and Lonna, talk to me afterward. Both spoke words i needed to hear. Bethany told me its time to let go. The devil has taken 17 years of my life, no more.
Lonna, told me that even though i have been hurt, i have hurt others and need to mend those relationships. and she was right.
i just don't have to get over what has been done to me, i also have to ask for forgiveness from others.
Lonna also said i need to hold on to God with everything in me. GO after Him like i never had before.

Since last Wednesday i don't feel like the same person. I have been reading my bible. Praying. I have asked for forgiveness from the people that i had hurt. I have been going to God first.
My life isn't the same as it was a week ago. I am not letting the Devil control my life anymore. I am trusting my God, and Savior with my life. all of it. And i am able to live with a peace and a joy that is amazing.
I am not worrying about my future for it is in His hands. My relationship with others has improved . I am doing, what i have always wanted to do, but never honestly thought i could.
God is becoming the center of my life. and i never thought it would be THIS amazing!!

This path that i have gone on isn't over and i will not say it is. I have a long way to go. and it wont always be this easy. but i know God will give my the dedication to keep up with my Bible reading, and i have leaders and other students to keep me accountable. and not just with reading the bible. but with keeping my faith in God to keep going, and to keep Him the center of my life.
I am not going to say this is a whole new me, becuase it isn't.
This is just me, trying to figure out my life, with God truly completely it.

Life isn't the movies

2008-09-27T09:55:00.001-07:00

You make me feel invincible.
Like nothing can hurt me when you're around.
When I hear your voice my whole world
stops spinning, and everything just drifts away.
All the bad is gone, and all that is there is
your love. your voice. the security you give me.
So I didn't deal with anything.
All I knew was that I was okay.
Because I had you.
and for the past nine months i thought
that was all i needed.
I was wrong.
I can't just not deal with my life.
I can't stop living becuase there is a boy in my life.
I can't put aside my problems, so I can make sure
I'm there for you.
This life is like the movies.
Sometimes the people everyone thinks is supposed
to end up together, don't.

2008-09-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

And when I first met you
I never would have imagined that
I would have such strong feelings for you
I never would have thought that
I would have dreams about you
or miss being by your side
or get butterflies in my stomach
when someone mentions your name.
When I first met you, I never would
have thought that I would love you.
Know that I know you, i would have never
thought that you could be like this.
I never thought you could have so easily
turned back into the person you once were.
or make me feel so bad
or get so defensive.
Now that I know you, and love you
I never thought that I could not love you.
I guess now, I have to prove myself wrong.

Memory?

2008-09-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

She is scared to move even an inch.
Scared that everything might come crashing down.
She could never handle that, not again.
If she moved, even an inch she wouldn't know
What is to come.
Where she would go.
Who she would become.
But standing here, holding her world together
Is slowly killing her.
Realizing that the one thing that has kept her together
Could possibly be the one thing tearing her apart.
Has she waited all these years for nothing?
Are you going to be just another memory?

2008-09-10T20:25:00.001-07:00

This might hurt/ It's not safe/ But I know that I've gotta make a change/ I don't care/ If I break/ At least I'll be feeling something/ 'Cause just ok/ Is not enough/ Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions/ I don't wanna go one more day/ Without Your all consuming passion inside of me/ I don't wanna spend my whole life/ asking/ What if I had given everything?/ Instead of going through the motions

No regrets/ Not this time/ I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind/ Let Your love
Make me whole/ I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
"The Motions" by Mathew West

I have listened to this song so many times, and i listen and hear the words but until now it has not sunk in. I have lived my life for God my whole life, but i haven't given Him my whole life. I haven't given Him my everything. I have said I have in the past but really i haven't. it's not easy, and it's not going to be easy, but certain events have happened in my life and i have experienced different events this summer and i seriously want to go to that next level with God. i do not want to be content anymore. i don't want to just go through the motions at church. I want to make a difference in this world for God. a real difference. I want to get to the point in my life where people don't have to know me to know i live my life for God.

I have this yearning inside of me. I want to know God, and be completely engulfed in Him SO bad! I want all of God i can get. It will never be enough. I wish you could feel this tug on my heart that just yearns for God, and His love and peace, and comfort. I want to be moving on a daily basis in His Holy Spirit. I want to have that connection.I want God to take me all the way!! I want my life to be more then the motions, or the right words. In the beginning of August i went to War Week which was a week long missions trip to Detroit, MI. We did so much there, but what i will never forget was during worship or prayer, or the service i could FEEL God, EVERYWHERE! i would go the bathroom, help one of my girls out no matter where we went, we could not escape it. It was AMAZING! We had about an hour prayer meeting every morning, the worship could have gone on forever. The Holy Spirit was there. i could feel Him moving, and changing lives. I went after God there like i never have before, and i don't want to lose that. Since i have gotten back and i have started to read my bible on more of a consistence basis. I have been praying daily, going to the prayer meetings at church. I want to get as much of God as i can. My heart feels like is going to explode. i have never wanted something more, and have been willing to go after something more then i am right now.

I don't know if this makes any sense. but i can feel something coming. I know that God wont let me down. As long as i keep seeking Him, and pushing to go further God will meet me here.
He is my everything. and i want so much more of Him!!!

I'm the one with two left feet,/ standing on a lonely street,/ I can't even walk a straight line./ And every time you look at me,/ I'm spinning like an autumn leaf,
Bound to hit bottom some time.
[bridge]
Where would I be without someone to save me,/ Someone who won't let me fall?
[chorus]
You are everything that I live for,/ Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me,/ With arms wide open, all I know
Is everyday is filled with hope/ 'Cause You are everything that I breathe for,
And I can't help but breathe You in, and breathe again,/Feeling all this life within, every single beat of my heart.

I'm the one with big mistakes, big regrets,/ And bigger breaks than I'd ever care to confess./ Ah, but You're the one who looks at me/ And sees what I was meant to be,/ More than just a beautiful mess.
[bridge]
[chorus]

You're everything good in my life,/ Everything honest and true./ And all of those stars hanging up in the sky/ Could never shine brighter than You.
"You are Everything" Matthew West

2008-09-03T19:49:00.001-07:00

So i have been really bad at these things.
i don't ever have time to write about my life,
which P.S. has been CRAZY!!
and not in the good way.
and on top of all of that i got sick this week.
i want to just curl up in my bed and sleep
for the next like o i don't know 3 months.
but anyway....

Things have been crazy, but things have also been good.

I have been holding onto a hurt for over four years now.
i could not let go. i just was so hurt, and mad and felt so betrayed
but this person that there was no way i was going to let him off the hock.
He was a leader to me, someone i looked up to, how could he have done this to me.
I started to realize it was affecting me in so many different aspects in my life.
Holding onto this pain wasn't hurting him, in fact i bet you he never even realized
how baldy he hurt me, holding onto this pain was hurting me.
It was affecting my trust issues, which i already had problems with,
it was bring bitterness into my life that wasn't needed or wanted.
One night i finally went over to talk to one of my amazing leaders, Bethany,
and just let it all out.
With out her even having to say anything it was better.
but then she gave me the advice that i have been waiting to hear.
My anger toward this man has finally left me, and it feels like the world has been
lifted off my shoulders.

now it's time to go to sleep!!

SENIOR!!

2008-08-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

School started today.
which means summer is officially over
and it is time for Amber to start her job hunt!!

2008-08-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

I had youth tonight, and it was a good night
but after i was sitting in a chair really just thinking.
I have had alot of different tests taken in my life.
MRI, something with Radioactive stuff, i don't know.
name the test i have had it.
Every time I've been sick or hurt i have always sensed this peace that
i am going to be okay.
I will spare you all the details of why i had testing done,
but this time around i don't have that peace that i have had in the past.
I don't want to just jump to conclusions that something is terribly wrong,
because it very well isn't but i am more nervous then i have ever been before.
please keep me in your prayers!!
not just that everything will be alright, but that God gives
me a peace!!
Hope everyone has a GREAT week!!
i'm going to bed!

2008-08-05T17:40:00.001-07:00

So i guess i have been really bad at posting lately.
well let's just say my life recently has been so hectic!!
i am never home!!!
I am always going some where, or leaving for another trip.
and it is catching up on me!
I had to go to the doctor yesterday,
one) my mom had to be there because she didn't know what they were going to do once i got there, but she just stayed in the waiting room and did her work. it was my first time ever being in the doctor's room all by myself the whole time!! :)
two) they had me do two tests and blood work done, they took THREE vials of blood!! ((*side note* I HATE getting blood taken, as a kid i would kick the nurses)) and mid way through the lady dropped the third vial and had to reach over and grab another one.
it didn't hurt at the time, but afterwords i couldn't move my arm. :( now i have a huge bruise there!
i haven't gotten the results back yet, but she gave me two different medicine's.
and if the first one doesn't work after ten days i have to go back. :(
i HATE doctor's!!

Two Amazing Leaders. Mike & Katie

2008-06-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go; some people move our souls to dance; they awaken us to new understanding with the passing whispers of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon; they stay in our lives for awhile; Leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same" -Flavia Weedn

Katie and Mike, you both are leaving HUGE footprints in my life.

Last night at youth just seemed like every other night there.
I got there early with Zanette and Reichert for worship.
We all were joking around and then it was announcements time.
I honestly don't remember the first announcements, but then Pastor Erik
announced that Mike had an announcement, and Katie came up with him.
The first words he said were "We're leaving" and honestly I thought he meant they were going on a long vacation this summer, but then he continued talking. Mike has been offered a job down in Oklahoma, and Katie and he are going to take it. I sat there and couldn't believe it. I didn't, but the tears came anyway.

I am always praying for the leaders/pastor of Stone Crew, and pray that God would just bless them so much for everything they do for us crazy teenagers. I guess I never realized that praying for that could mean them leaving. Because this is God's blessing for them.

Mike and Katie mean more to me then I think they realize.
Although I love all the leaders, to me they were "my leaders"
I could always go to either one of them for anything and everything.
When ever it seemed like I was having a bad day, or wasn't doing okay, you could be sure that there would one of them be coming over to talk, or to listen. I also have shared MANY fun times with both of them. Katie was my group leader for game, w00t w00t GO BROWN!! lol Mike and I have gotten into plenty of food fights and are always joking around. They always cared, and always put them selves out there for me. I remember one night I was going through a REALLY hard time, and was thinking about leaving the youth. Mike came over to talk to me and I told him that, these were his words for the most part lol
"Amber, I don't want you to leave, you are an important part of Crew, and it wouldn't be the same with out you, I know Katie and I would miss you."

Well Mike and Katie, I am throwing those same words back at you. Although you don't really have a choice in leaving like I did, I just want you to know how much you will be missed by me and the whole group, and how much you are loved. Stone Crew will NOT be the same without you. And I truly mean that. Thank you so much for everything you have done for us!! and for me!!!

You both are extraordinary people and God has His hand on your lives and it is evident. He is going to continue to use you in amazing ways!! I am so blessed to have had you in my life.
Although I am extremely sad to see you both leaving, and I am so excited about the works God is doing and going to do with you.

Katie and Mike, you both are leaving HUGE footprints in my life. I will never for get you guys. And you better not forget about us!!
I love you both.

Update on Dave

2008-04-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

First i wanted to thank you all so much for the prayers. It means so much to my family, and Dave.
He is doing better!! alot better!!
I'm not positive if the tingling is totally gone from his head, but when we went up to visit him Tuesday night he said it has greatly decreased. His blood pressure is still HIGH!!! but we will keep praying for that.
They released him from the hospital either Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning.
The doctors say that it was not a stroke, but are still running tests to see what the
final conclusion is.
They found "spots" on his frontal lobe. The neurosurgeon is had a spinal tap done to see if he can rule out multiple sclerosis. If it is not that, it is either nothing, migraines, or serious stress.
we don't want to say that it is the worst, but we have never heard of a reaction like this from just stress or migraines alone.
but thank you so much for the prayers!!
it really means alot!!

Dave

2008-03-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 5:30 we got a call from my aunt, informing us that
my cousin's husband, Dave, had a stroke.
He is 34 years old.
His wife, Amy, is expecting a baby in August.
I am close to my whole family,
but my whole life i have been closest to Amy,
and since Amy and Dave got married
i have gotten so close to him too.
He wasn't just an "in-law"
he is apart of this family.
we wouldn't be whole without him.
He can walk and talk but has no feeling in his head
at the moment.
He is at a hospital on the far north side at the moment
but they are trying to transfer him to a closer hospital
but traffic is impossible that they still haven't even left the
other hospital, yet.

Dave is someone who i relate to so much.
He isn't just Amy's husband.
or a cousin, he's a friend, some i look up to.
and he plays a role as the older
brother my sister and i never had.
He makes fun of us all the time,
we are always joking around.
He has made it appoint though to make sure
I know that he is always there when i need to talk
about anything.

He always asks about "the guys" in my sister's and mines life.
and we would make up nick names for them, so we could still talk
about them around my parents with out them knowing.
he would ask about school and he was always asking about college for me.
and our friends, and church.
he always cared.
he knows me and my mom's relationship and said
that i am to stay over at least once every two months if not once a month
to just get away from everything.
i am so lucky to have him as a part of my family.
Dave, Amy, and I drove all the way to Ohio, to get
their first baby, Daisy, who is a dog!!
she is soo cute!!

*this is amy and dave at the Sox game we all went to one the 4th of July.*

*this is just Dave.*

*this is Daisy, their first baby girl!*

Please God. don't let anything happen to him.
we need him!!
please keep Dave and our family in your prayers.

One year

2008-03-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

March 22- 23, 2007.
Two days of my life that i will never forget.
Thursday i was ready to walk away from God, give up.
I didn’t want to keep going, it didn’t seem worth it.
but then i got the phone call...Cassie had been hit.
it was unreal, but we all knew Cas, she was strong she would make it.
The last news i heard before i "went to bed" that night was
"She isn’t out of the blue, or red, but she should be just fine."
I woke up, got ready for school,
and as soon as school got out Bethany and I were going to go see Cassie at the hospital.
We didn’t get to make that trip up, it was to late.
Riding the bus to school i got the call....
she hadn’t made it....
-Cassandra Theodore Merca-
but to me, just Cassie.
On March 23, 2007 a wonderful young woman of God was taken from us. We all agree it was to early, but God had other plans. I know everyone wants to say how unique they are, but Cassie truly was. She loved with her whole heart. She sought after God like i have never seen in a person her age before. She cared for everyone. She was the shoulder to cry on, the hug you needed, and the person who always had the words to say. She told you what was on her mind. She told you what you needed to hear. She made mistakes, tons of them and she would be the first to admit it. She wasn’t perfect, far from it actually but the difference was she always strove towards holiness. She had such an anointing on her life. God used her in so many ways. Her life wasn’t about her at all. It was ALL about God and His plan for her life, and showing the world to God.
She always fallowed her heart, and never gave up. She started to pave the way for Stone Crew Ministries.
No one will ever forget that girl’s eyes. or her smile.
Her laugh brought light into the darkness.
She had a voice of an angel.
She used all of her talents to worship God. whether that was singing, playing the drums, swimming, playing water polo or her best talent of all just talking.
Cassie’s last year at Fine Arts she sang, "Do They See Jesus In Me?"
she did an amazing job. but when people told her that she got mad.
She didn’t want it to be about her, she sang that song for God and God alone. She didn’t want the credit.
She was a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, leader, but most of all she was a friend.
Cassie was i think the strongest person i have ever met!!
&& not just in the physical sense of that
She was strong all around!!

I love Cassie so much. She has forever impacted so many people’s lives. Cassie, you will never be forgotten.

Losing Cassie was and still is one of the hardest things i have ever experienced.
When she died she took a part of me with her.
Although she was younger then me, i looked up to her.
She was always seeking God.
I wanted passion like her.
She is the one we would all go to tomorrow.
But she isn’t here...
I still look around youth some nights or during Sunday school
and expect to see her walking in.
Or i’ll look into the drums area and expect to see her smiling face looking out.
It hurts not having her here,
more then most people will ever be able to understand.
Since March 23, 2007 there hasn’t been a day that i have not thought about her, missed her, loved her....
At the age of 15, Cassie impacted more lives then most people will in their WHOLE life.

Tomorrow Cassie will have been gone one whole year,
and to be completely honest i do not know if i am ready for that.
I remember every detail about that week like it happened yesterday.

Cassie, never really died. i mean yes physically she died, and spiritually she is in heaven,
but Cassie lives in our memories of her,
in the stories we tell people.
Cassie will never be forgotten.
and always be loved.

I miss Cassie so much.
i really really do.
i learned so much from her.

"A million times we’ve needed you. A million times we’ve cried. If love alone could save you, you never would have died. In life we loved you dearly, in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place no one else will ever fill...it broke our hearts to lose you...but you didn’t go alone, part of us went with you...the day God took you home."

" … Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (Psalm 139:6).

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither things present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

We will make you proud

2008-03-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it had been one year.
it is still unbelievable that such an amazing young woman is gone.

Cassie changed so many lives.
She forever changed mine
It seems like yesterday when we were in Sunday night service, and she had begged P. Erik to play Yearn. and he finally gave in, but Cas just couldn't get the beat down. it was so ironic.

There are SO many memories, SO many people could tell you.

Cassie was a very special girl.
and we were lucky to have her, even in the short period of time that we did.

"Some people come in and out of your life and leave finger prints,
but some come and leave foot prints!
Cassie left footprints, HUGE, life impacting footprints."

Stone Crew, and anyone who knew Cassie.
today will be hard, but we will make it through.
i promise you that.
we all miss her soo much, but everything will be fine.
it's okay to cry, because i can guarantee that i will.
we have each other, and we all will be there for each other.
this goes especially for Stone Church, we are a family.
and its days like today when we REALLY need each other.
Keep your head up, smile, because that's what Cassie would want.
Cassie, i love you girlie.
We are going to make you proud.

it hurts like yesterday

2008-03-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

honestly, i can not believe that a year ago Cassie left us.
it feels like yesterday.
it hurts like it happened yesterday.
i miss you more then words can express.
my heart is breaking
Cas, thank you for everything you did for us.
you taught us more then you will know.
You brought Stone Crew back together,
we are now a true family.
Cassie, baby, you left footprints.
one's that no one will ever be able to replace.
i will forever love you.
and will never forget your life.

College

2008-03-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

As my junior year is ending, college is finally starting to hit home.
it seems like i have always thought about college and where i wanted to go.
and now its not that i don't, but i don't know where to begin.
i always thought that as long as i got in i would go to Central Bible College.
Now s i'm not quite so sure.
I am between CBC and North Central.
i have no clue where God is guiding me.
For the first time in my life my future isn't secure.
i mean in grammar school, i had jr. high that i knew i was going to
then in jr. high i had high school.
no choices you just go.
now, you get the choices.
and its SCARES the living day lights out of me.
it really really does!!
and not just the going part.
or the choosing part.
one night, a couple of weeks ago i was looking at my youth group and thought to myself.
how am i going to leave all of this behind.
i'm scared. and confused. and not sure.

God please give me wisdom, and guidance of where you want me to go.
Thanks!
-amber <3

*i needed to put that out there!!*

2008-03-10T05:10:00.001-07:00

all of my blogs aren't gone, but right now they are all just hidden.
well the one below isn't hidden becuase well Ethan is the CUTEST boy on this planet. lol
:-)

i'm sorry.
i really am.

that's really all i have to say...

2008-03-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

Ethan and HIS girl, aka ME!! :-)

today was the best day i've had in a long long time!!!
<333333333333

"AMBER'S SONG"

2008-01-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

I 've always wondered/ what do you look like/
Maybe I just might have your eyes?
Did you ever want to hold me/
Wrap me up and tell me you love me/
I was left holding nothing but air/ waiting for someone to come find me here.

Things like this just dont happen/
Stories like this just dont happen to me
Why did I have to be another statistic
I thought you loved me

im not alone in the dark anymore
Ive been given someone to hold me
He promised he would never leave
He even said if he need to he would die for me
So im not afraid , Im not abandoned

Things like this happen every day
Stories like this happened to me
But Im not another statistic
I found someone to love me
He gave me a second chance The one you didnt give me
But if you ask him im sure he'd give you one too

See I tried to look past
the thin line of love and hate
But did I try enough to give back to you
the one chance you took away

Things like this happen every day
Stories like this happened to me
But Im not another statistic
I found someone to love me
He gave me a second chance The one you didnt give me
But if you ask him im sure he'd give you one too

He gave me a second chance The one you didnt give me
But if you ask him im sure he'd give you one too

im sure he'd give you one too

-a friend wrote this song about me, for me, when i was having problems with my adoption. i found it saved on my computer. and i love it.